I am trying to write but stumbling to find a word for the following situation. Here is line what i wrote
I am still writing because it is hard to stop thinking of you and I want to write it down, the only way I found to make me calm and let me enter in real world; to stop imagining you in front of me and talking to me I have to feel the satisfaction that this writing is giving to me, along with a hidden reason that someday I will share this document with you to make you know that how much you are in my thinking and feelings and ah yeah overall in my life right now.
And one more hidden reason I found that is the greed to store these beauty of right now life as a perfect part of the picture, so that someday if I fumble the picture of life what past painted, a search, a thirst to stare some perfect colors added by perfect moments, I will be able to look on these moments to recreate the bliss what they are making right now. And as sometimes if we don’ store moments else than our memories the colors might become hazy. So to give a permanence to these colors I want to write it down.
I used word fumble but I feel it is not the perfect word to say that if I look back on the picture, look back with a cursory search for some colors that are perfect to give bliss or say to feel some past again. I want some aesthetic and more perfect word. I looked over dictionary but the synonyms makes me feel more that I used some less perfect word. Please help me. Please point out any other mistakes, grammar etc., too.