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I'm improving a website and hope someone could help me see if the sentence below has any problem. In particular, does "efficiently monetizing" sounds awkward?

"It helps you acquire targeting users and efficiently monetizing, as well as rapidly occupying overseas market."

closed as off-topic by fred2, FumbleFingers, Davo, SamBC, choster Mar 29 at 13:13

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  • "Questions asking for someone to find and correct errors or improve the phrasing are considered requests for proofreading and are off-topic. Please edit your question to focus on something in particular that you are unsure about; if that's not possible, see websites for proofreading instead." – fred2, FumbleFingers, Davo, SamBC
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    I don't understand what any of this means. It just sounds like a bunch of "industry buzz-words" randomly mixed up / strung together. – FumbleFingers Mar 28 at 15:59
  • @user92151 I assume this is meant for a business website. What does it mean to occupy an overseas market? – Don B. Mar 28 at 16:02
  • I mean it can help customers acquire market share from foreign countries, but I don't know how can I make the sentence sounds professional – user92151 Mar 28 at 16:21
  • @user92151 "It can help acquire market share" sounds a lot clearer. – Don B. Mar 28 at 18:14
  • It's not only a bunch of marketing buzzwords, it doesn't actually parse. "It helps you ... efficiently monetizing". That doesn't work. – SamBC Mar 28 at 21:21
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In this context, "efficiently monetizing" does sound awkward, for two reasons:

  • "Monetizing" is a transitive verb that needs an object. What is being monetized?

  • There are three verb phrases after "you", and none of them have a causal or temporal relationship with the others. Without such a relationship, the verbs should have parallel forms. "Acquire" is not parallel with "monetizing" and "occupying".

There are other errors in the example sentence. I have highlighted problems that were specifically asked about.

  • Thank you for your response Jasper! Should I just delete "efficiently monetizing" and change the sentence to "It helps you acquire targeting users and rapidly occupying overseas market"? How would you improve this sentence to make it sounds professional? – user92151 Mar 28 at 16:15
  • @user92151 -- No. Making money for your client(s) is at the core of your value proposition. Even if you delete "efficiently monetizing", your sentence is still grammatically incorrect. – Jasper Mar 28 at 16:44
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    @user92151 -- Consider focusing your business efforts on the parts of your business that you do very well, and hiring other people to do the parts that you are not good at (yet). For example, you can hire a native speaker of English as either a "copywriter" or a "proofreader", and focus on the design and code of webpages. Meanwhile, continue learning English. When your English is good enough that you fully understand this comment and the value proposition answer, you might be ready to write ad copy. – Jasper Mar 28 at 16:48
  • Got it! I appreciate your advice Jasper! – user92151 Mar 29 at 2:09

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