In these sentences how do I know whether I should use who or whom?
This is the lady who/whom you said lives in the next house.
This is the lady who/whom you say everybody respects a lot
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 This is the lady who/whom you said ____ lives in the next house.
 This is the lady who/whom you say everybody respects ____ a lot.
In  the pronoun is subject of the embedded "lives" clause, so it should be nominative "who".
In  the pronoun is object of "respects" so it should be accusative "whom". But nowadays people are less fussy about the distinction between "who and "whom" when the pronoun functions as object of a verb and regularly use nominative "who". In other words, both are correct in , but not .
"This is the lady who you said lives in the next house."
The lady is the subject so it is who, but anyone please correct me if I am wrong.