Okay, so I've submitted a proposal to my teacher. I get the part that I've made inaccurately structured sentences, also I understand that I have missed to an extend the point of the given task. But I sincerely don't understand why she regards my register as pompous. I'm preparing myself for a certificate C1 certificate and we are constantly told to use advanced vocabulary. How come I've gone to far? What's the difference between pompous and advanced? , as it is clear that I probably lack fundamental understanding. I've copied my proposal down here, the corrections from my teacher are in bold. I would really appreciate if somebody sheds some light on the matter! :) I'm willing to be criticized, it's just I don't completely understand the feedback.
The aim of this proposal is to outline the functionality of the facilities available, to particularize (existent) issues with them that have arisen as well as to put forward some feasible recommendations on how the situation could be enhanced for the better – tautology!
UTILITY OF PRESENT FACILITIES
To begin with, our college has provided with a few common rooms ???, respectively divided by language course ???, which abound with alluring and thought-provoking – too strong and literary a language/report vocabulary should be drier and more clichéd. language learning materials such as books, newspapers, magazines accessible for public use.
PRESENT AMENITY TROUBLES
Notwithstanding the encouragement to students those language rooms provide for well-rounded education to familiarize themselves with – badly structured!!! their Major language’s culture, art & history, it could be a very challenging pursuit sometimes.
Lately our faculty has drastically grown in number, which means there is not enough space for teamwork meetings and shortage of educational materials. It/This has many times led to student’s distress with inefficient assignment completion and missed deadline**???**.
RECOMMENDATIONS While it is physically not possible to enlarge the rooms, I have thought up – improper vocab. with a more astute approach to the matter. My main suggestion would be to establish new facilities in accordance with original tasks. – What do you mean? One idea is of ??? culinary classes in the given language – starting off with the history of traditional meals and practices, proceeding with workshops - students will have the chance to follow the evolvement of the foreign culture from an academically unconventional perspective. Another concept is to introduce a hall where students can watch cinematographic features that depict various aspects of the language and culture they study and after that to make an evaluation of the portrayal’s authenticity.
If these recommendations were to be executed, I am positively convinced that our college would mark a great improvement in its foreign language preparation./the environment it provides for foreign language learning.
In your intention to make the proposal sound as formal and advanced as possible, you have gone to the extreme of sounding not only pompous but also unclear. There is not only improperly used vocabulary but also inaccurately structured sentences. This is what the overall impression is when you read the text. As for content, you are supposed to focus on facilities and not on activities, e.g. the culinary classes you propose. As far as the rooms and courses are concerned, I could not understand the connection between them. It is also unclear what you suggest with regard to the insufficient space for meetings and how it affects assignment completion. I am not going to give you a mark as it would be very low indeed. You had better rewrite it in a more clear, coherent and comprehensible way.