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I am writing for an IELTS practice test. The question is to describe the changes that is going to be done in an airport. Grammerly marks the following sentence as intricate! I am curious to know if it is really intricate for a native speaker?

In the southwestern part of the building, a check-in desk and a bag-drop will be introduced, along with another cafe, an atm, and car hire on the opposite side.

Could you imagine what are the changes in an airport from my sentence?

Another version that I can come with is this:

In the southwestern part of the building, a check-in desk and a bag-drop will be introduced, while another cafe, an atm, and car hire will be added on the opposite side.

Is it easier to understand?

Update

Actually I want to know if it is clear where the opposite side is? and which items are located there?

I wanted to mention that these two items are going to be built at left.

  1. check-in desk
  2. a bag-drop

While these three items will be added at right.

  1. a cafe
  2. an ATM
  3. a car hire

Is it clear from the text?

By the way, I say another cafe because I have already mentioned in the text that a cafe is located at left.

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    The second one sounds marginally clearer but this is really just a matter of style.
    – mdewey
    Jul 4, 2021 at 16:14
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    Note, "changes" is plural, and changes are "made", not "done". Jul 4, 2021 at 19:19
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    Grammarly, and other grammar checkers, are all flawed. They regularly flag things that are fine, because it's better to flag good content than to let bad content go through. Your sentence is fine.
    – gotube
    Jul 5, 2021 at 5:43

3 Answers 3

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nschneid’s answer is correct. It’s usually a good idea to break up a long sentence if there’s an obvious way to do it.

However, I think the meaning would be clearer if you moved “on the opposite side” before the list of items it modifies:

In the southwestern part of the building, a check-in desk and a bag-drop will be introduced, while on the opposite side, another café, an ATM, and a car hire will be added.

This isn’t ideal, because it uses commas to separate clauses and also a list of items within a clause. Breaking this sentence in two is better style.

You need an indefinite article before “car hire” for parallelism with the two other items in the list. ATM is an acronym and should be capitalized. In American English, we also tend to avoid the passive voice (“be introduced” and “be added”), but it isn’t an error.

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As @mdewey says, this is a matter of style. I think your second version is a bit clearer. It could also be written as two sentences:

In the southwestern part of the building, a check-in desk and a bag-drop will be introduced. Another cafe, an atm, and car hire will be added on the opposite side.

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This is, for my style, the ideal use case of a colon.

In the southwestern part of the building, multiple expansions will be introduced: a check-in desk, a bag-drop, another cafe, an ATM, and a car-hire (that is) on the opposite side.


EDIT 1:

I now see that this construction is not so easily colon-izable. I see a memetic approach and a serious approach. Here goes:

Memetic approach:

In the southwestern part of the building, multiple expansions will be introduced: a check-in desk, a bag-drop, another cafe, an ATM, and one oppositely-sided car-hire.

Serious approach:

In the southwestern part of the building, multiple expansions will be introduced: a check-in desk, a bag-drop, another cafe, an ATM, and a car-hire, with the 'car-hire' being on the opposite side.


EDIT 2:

Well, I entirely misinterpreted the meaning of the original sentence.

In the southwestern part of the building, multiple expansions will be introduced: a check-in desk and a bag-drop — and on the opposite side — another cafe, an ATM, and a car-hire.

I think this is ultra-clear, but, really, your first edit to the sentence elucidated enough.

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    But in your sentence, it is not cleat that which items will be added on the opposite side
    – a.toraby
    Jul 5, 2021 at 14:36
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    You are so correct. I did not even consider that. I'll make an edit.
    – Alexondra
    Jul 5, 2021 at 14:38
  • @a.toraby Edit made.
    – Alexondra
    Jul 5, 2021 at 14:44
  • I also edited my question, could you please take a look? I think you did not get what items will be where!
    – a.toraby
    Jul 5, 2021 at 15:01
  • Oh my, I badly misread. I edited my answer, I think I have come up with the clearest form for exactly what you've said, but your edit to #1 is already really good.
    – Alexondra
    Jul 5, 2021 at 15:14

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