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Somehow I feel like the word "thereof" doesn't fit well, but I can't put my finger on it. Can you help me decide between the following formulations (or find a working alternative)?

Target is organizational and technical managerial staff, and representatives thereof.

First, I'm not sure if I'm starting the sentence correctly. Would it perhaps be better to write something along the lines of

The target group consists of organizational and technical managerial staff, and their representatives.

or even to insert the word "respectively"? The sentence should describe the target group of an application we wrote, that is, the end users of the application. Any input is very welcome as this is the first time I have to write a business-related text in English.

Edit: Though I'm mainly interested in the American English view on this, I'm also glad for suggestions regarding British English.

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    Native AmE Speaker here: I think the second sentence is great. The beginning of the sentence is much more clear and I tend to avoid using thereof. The first sentence reads very tersely and feels very technical. Respectively is only used to show that in a statement of A B, 1 2, respectively, that 1 applies to A and 2 applies to B. You're not using that format. – Catija Feb 20 '15 at 7:32
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    Well, with a singular count noun (target), you need some kind of determiner, unless you want your sentence to sound like a newspaper headline or something similar thereto. – user6951 Feb 20 '15 at 8:11
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    Thereof, thereto, and therefor (note the spelling) are all old-fashioned words that sound stilted today. Lawyers love them. – user6951 Feb 20 '15 at 8:22
  • Thereof is stilty for of or concerning that, and "The target is organizational and technical managerial staff, and representatives of that" sounds terrible. Perhaps that is part of the problem. – user6951 Feb 20 '15 at 8:31
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Target is organizational and technical managerial staff, and representatives thereof.

The only thing I'd change about this sentence is adding the to the beginning, in front of target, because it needs a specifier. Your use of thereof is correct, meaning the target also includes representatives of organizational and technical managerial staff. This is extremely formal diction; perhaps that's why it feels a little strange to you?

The target group consists of organizational and technical managerial staff, and their representatives.

This is just fine, and conveys the same meaning, though it is less formal. It's not informal, mind; this is perfectly acceptable language in a professional setting. Additionally, it's a little more accessible than the first sentence, precisely because it's not as rigidly formal.

or even to insert the word "respectively"?

Don't do this, because it will be confusing to the reader. Use respectively to indicate that items in two lists correspond to each other in sequential order. For example, we have meetings on Monday and Tuesday, at 1:00 and 3:00 respectively. Here, respectively tells us that Monday's meeting is at 1:00 and Tuesday's meeting is at 3:00. You don't have this kind of structure in your sentences, so you don't need respectively.

Ultimately, both of your sentences are acceptable in a business setting, so it's up to you how formal you want to sound. If you're writing a legal document (a contract or bill) or giving a speech to heads of state or other equally important people at a formal business event, the first is more appropriate. If you're writing something up for your manager and your office is a casual dress sort of place, stick to the second. Beyond that, it's your call.

  • I like your answer generally but I don't think I agree with the formality... particularly in a speech setting, I think the second would flow much better as the first seems more harsh and sterile. – Catija Feb 20 '15 at 7:44
  • Thanks for the input (@Catija as well), I went with the 2nd sentence :) – InvisiblePanda Feb 20 '15 at 8:30

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