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I know that one can use "they" / "them" / "their" in place of "he" / "him" / "his" or "she" / "her" / "hers" when the subject's / direct object's gender is not known; for instance, just looking at the default user's about me section on Stack Exchange sites:

Apparently, this user prefers to keep an air of mystery about them

My question is what happens when someone wants to reference the subject using a pronoun instead.

Should the verb be conjugated accordingly to the pronoun? E.g.:

Apparently, they prefer to keep an air of mystery about them

Or should the conjugation be retained? E.g.:

Apparently, they prefers to keep an air of mystery about them

The former looks unclear because it wouldn't allow the reader / listener to understand if the writer / speaker is talking about a single person or about a group of people, however the latter sounds very weird, at least just to the non-native speaker which I am.

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    It sounds very weird to native speakers, too, but a consensus has arisen that it is correct, at least in AE, despite the fact that it violates the fundamental rules of subject-verb agreement.
    – Ast Pace
    Jul 21, 2015 at 21:03
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    Do people actually say/write "they prefers"? I have never heard that, and it sounds very wrong. Where's this so-called consensus?
    – GMA
    Jul 22, 2015 at 10:25
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    @AST: I am an American, and have been using the singular they since I was a child 50 years ago, and it has never sounded at all weird to me. It has turned from an informal construction used by many Americans to an accepted construction used by many more Americans. And it's conjugated as "they prefer".
    – Peter Shor
    Jul 22, 2015 at 23:03
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    @AST: We have from 1958, before the days of political correctness, (courtesy Google books, snippet form) "when a common-sex pronoun is wanted, he may be used instead of he or she, but colloquially the pl. they is often used".
    – Peter Shor
    Jul 23, 2015 at 16:23
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    @ASTPace It is not new: it is very old.
    – tchrist
    Aug 24, 2015 at 23:43

2 Answers 2

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Despite the fact that you're referring to a singular person, yes, the custom is always to maintain the same grammatical pluralization you would if you were using "they"/"them"/"their" in the more conventional sense. The SE phrasing, "Apparently, they prefer to keep an air of mystery about them", is therefore grammatical (including the last bit, for that matter), and the alternative is wrong enough in all cases that just about any native speaker would immediately notice and be jarred by it.

The only way to use singular verbs in such a case is to switch to a different pronoun. Using "it" to refer to people is extremely dehumanizing, so that leaves only two choices:

  • the awkwardly slashed "s/he" and similar (including "he or she", hat tip Steve Jessop in comments)
  • new words like "zhe", "ze", "zie", "zir", "hir", and so forth, which are relatively unfamiliar and confusing to anyone outside certain circles. (Especially because of the ridiculous number of ideas people have had for such new words.)

Usually, it's not worth the hassle. Just use "they"/"them"/"their" with plural verbs. No sane person will get offended, there's no grammatical problem, and stylistically the plural pronouns are arguably the least annoying in most cases.

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    Thanks. Mind to briefly explain in which "circles" are "zhe", "ze" and "zie" commonly used? Meaning, do you refer to native speakers (either American or English) as a whole or to even more narrowed contexts?
    – kos
    Jul 21, 2015 at 21:38
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    @kos: A far narrower context. Usually you'll see those words used by people who consider their attitude towards gender issues, sexism, language, and so forth a significant part of who they are, and who are therefore making a deliberate attempt to change the way the language works in order to promote those views.
    – Nathan Tuggy
    Jul 21, 2015 at 21:54
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    This American, for one, has never actually seen anyone use "zhe", "ze", or "zie" except in explanations like the above.
    – Joe
    Jul 22, 2015 at 1:41
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    In some sentences, one is an appropriate replacement
    – Ross Presser
    Jul 22, 2015 at 7:56
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    @SteveJessop worth noting is that using 's/he' or 'he or she' instead of 'they' excludes people who identify with non-binary genders.
    – Jase
    Jul 22, 2015 at 13:08
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They remains plural even when referring to a clearly singular subject, so always use "they do" or "they prefer", when it is necessary. This form should practically never be used as a subject of a sentence, even where "he" or "she" might have enough context. "They" is fine for supporting clauses, though.

Example:

If the guest has hung a do not disturb sign on their doorknob, then unless they are being a nuisance themself, they are not to be disturbed.

"They are" is fine in the supporting clauses here. A curious side effect of this example, I was able to use "themself" here, to clarify that "they" is still singular. "Themselves" would also be correct here, but primarily when referring to the general case, that any (and therefore all) cases where this occurs should follow this instruction. When referring to a certain guest, but without enough information to identify them specifically, then "themself" should be preferred, as here.

I do welcome any thoughts on "themself" in the comments, I can't actually think of a case I have run into this, but it follows from the logic, at least to me.

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    "Themself" and "themselves" are both at least a bit awkward, but I've seen (and used) both of them at times. The latter is probably a bit better on the whole, but I'm not sure there's grounds to completely rule out either one.
    – Nathan Tuggy
    Jul 21, 2015 at 21:37
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    Thanks for your answer, following up on the "themself" / "themselves" debate
    – kos
    Jul 21, 2015 at 21:40
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    My spellcheck tells me that "themself" is wrong, but it's still fairly common. I'd stick with "themselves" if you want to be strict about following the rules, but in casual speech you can get away with "themself".
    – GMA
    Jul 22, 2015 at 10:27
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    @GeorgeMillo Spelling checkers are notoriously stupid, and generally wrong.
    – tchrist
    Aug 24, 2015 at 23:46
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    @tchrist Your write!
    – GMA
    Aug 25, 2015 at 11:39

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