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English is not my main language, but I'm quite a perfectionist so I always try to improve it.

In a recent message to a British coworker, I've written the following sentence:

The delivery record shows that the aforementioned shipment to (addressee's address), was collected by the addressee after being identified by means of ID card on (date) at (time) from the (road name) Post Office, (place).

I don't know why, but the 2nd half of the sentence, starting from "after being identified..." doesn't sound too good in my head. How would you say it in British English?

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Even as a British person, I find your text quite verbose (and extremely formal, perhaps too formal for a coworker). I would shorten it to:

According to records, the delivery to [address] was collected by the addressee at [place] at [time] on [date] after providing proof of identity in the form of an ID card.

If you'd rather stick with your original syntax, here are some minor suggestions:

  • If the address is short, don't put a comma before "was", since there's no natural pause there;
  • "after being identified by means of ID card" is not a usual way of speaking. Try "after their identity was confirmed by checking their ID card".
  • "after being identified" obviously refers to the person here, but to me this sentence parses the shipment having its identity validated ("[the shipment was [collected by the addressee after being] identified]"). Try to rearrange the sentence so that logical parts come together, or add "their" somewhere.
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The delivery record shows that the aforementioned shipment to (addressee's address), was collected by the addressee after being identified by means of ID card on (date) at (time) from the (road name) Post Office, (place).

You could recast in the active voice:

The delivery record indicates that addressee presented an ID card and collected the aforementioned shipment from the ____ post office at (time) on (date).

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